If I had your baby in my uterus I would probably kill it with abortion

     the days are very hard

like dragging myself out of mud with a chain

     at least I have a chain     some people are not so lucky

     some people   on the other hand   use chains in sex

     not you and me

     you and me don’t even use condoms sometimes    

which would shock me if I were fourteen

but I’m not fourteen anymore

     I’m a pop sensation and I’m not a little girl anymore

          now I am mean          I wasn’t fourteen for very long at all

now I’m this old person in the mud     ah   it’s probably good

for my skin   I won’t get wrinkles while I wait to die

     is that how mud works   I’ll ring my sister later and ask

     you said periods are cool for me cos it means you don’t have my baby in your uterus

     I was like if I had your baby in my uterus I would probably kill it with abortion

just like it says in the title okay     it was good the first time

like a soft smack in the face   like   sort of good-natured in a ballsed-up way    

you know   funny-sad like that     like     basically I killed it

     you looked kind of nonplussed

but only for a moment and then you took it in your stride     said

man that’d be a good title for a collection of poems

     you say that about everything   literally everything   it’s like all you ever say

     to be honest I think it would worry my mum too much

     yeah it would have to be for a small audience  

only for the people who are sad enough

to not be bothered taking offence

          shout out to my tired homies

     don’t you ever feel like   uh

everything you and me say is at each other’s mercy

that’s an imperative          don’t ever feel like that

     mirrors facing each other are only interesting because they’re facing each other

and I honestly find it infuriating   that I can’t catch my own eye

echoing away forever          did I tell you I did a narcissism test on the internet

     I’m so literal baby     nothing is safe

     oh god this is what death feels like     it feels like everything else

horrible and with no future

     we are just sitting around half-smiling

     I am very quietly whispering to myself          sup cunts

and you are like   over there in your mud

just dying too     and hoping the time you’re spending with me

is gonna pay off some day

Freya Daly Sadgrove

Freya Daly Sadgrove lives in Wellington. Her work has previously been published in Turbine, LEFT, and Mimicry. She is also one third of punk band-cum-performance collective 'The Great Danger'.